Lets talk about sex, baby.
Ok, it’s my third post and I feel like we are ready to have “the talk.” Today I’m here to dismantle rules, and gender bias. I’m here to tell you to be the Samantha fucking Jones of your life (yes, another “Sex and The City” reference). Listen, I’m not telling you to abandon all of your inhibitions, or make a sex tape. I’m just here to promote equality; to free you from an idea that you have to behave by a certain societal norm that doesn’t coincide with your personal beliefs. I’m here to liberate you from the fear of being slut shamed and demonstrate that you can, and should, do whatever the fuck you want when it comes to your body.
This will get explicit, and a lot of graphic, feminist language will be used, so please stop reading this if you are not in accordance with anything I have said thus far, or if you are my mom.
Are there rules you should follow while dating? No, not when it comes to when you chose to engage in sexual intimacy. Because, guess what? The amount of dates you go on before you sleep with someone is not directly correlated with love or longevity of your union. My four-year relationship was a product of a failed attempt at a first one-night stand. My friend’s husband and baby are a product of a first night hook-up. And I can list many more relationships that were bred from people having sex “too early,” “too late,” or at otherwise inconvenient times.
Again, am I telling you to jump into bed with the first person you see? No. Although, I would not judge you if you did. All I’m saying is if there is mutual attraction, compatibility and maturity, chances are, being intimate will that person will only enhance your relationship. If you happen to have sex with someone earlier or later than you thought you should –Do Not Apologize. You did not commit a crime. You simply followed your instinct. Don’t say you “never do this”, or “this is so not you”. There is nothing wrong with what you just did.
Nevertheless, your relationship could still not work out. Your text could be misinterpreted, you could remind them of their sibling, or one of you could simply lose interest. Or, that someone could just be a douche. You can be dumped at any time for any reason, and being physical with someone too early on is usually not the cause.
So now that we’ve covered that there are no exact rules, how do you know if it’s the right time for you? Think about this- sex should be enjoyed. Sex should make you feel cared for and attended to. You are not there to make the other person “finish” and go home. You are there to enjoy an activity together that makes you feel good, and leaves you feeling happy and confident.
Throw away the double standard. You are in control of you body and you can do whatever the fuck you please with it. Sex shouldn’t be a ploy to get power. It should be fun, and mutually beneficial. You shouldn’t feel like it’s something “you lose”.
Are you thinking people will think I’m a whore? Sure, they may, but don’t let them. People will only think negatively of you, if you allow them to. If you feel confident about whatever you chose to do, most people will celebrate your candor. However, if you feel insecure, doubt your actions or feel like you were coerced to do something you didn’t really want, sex will undoubtedly have a negative connotation.
Only do what feels true to your needs. If a slight feeling of regret creeps up before you even partake in an intimate relationship with someone- walk away. This is not about doing something you know you shouldn’t be doing. It is about throwing away the rules that govern how we should behave. It is about throwing away the ideology that sex is shameful and giving us autonomy over our bodies.
But, be careful of seeking validation from sex. Sure, a one-night stand may make you feel sexy after a recent break-up, but needing to have sex to feel secure about yourself or the relationship may be a result of a bigger problem.
Own your sexuality, or the lack of it. Do whatever you want with whomever you want, as long as it’s consensual and it is your idea. You may have religious, societal, political views that don’t necessarily coincide with this notion, and that is absolutely fine. If you have more conservative views on this matter, you are not alone. And although everything I just said relates to sex, it has little to do with promiscuity. I’m just here to encourage healthy self-esteem and purely advocate for equality.
I’m not a sex therapist. However, I am a woman in her twenties, who lives in LA, with multiple girlfriends, with a vast knowledge of their relationship issues, so, I might as well be. Long story short, my advice has proven to be wildly successful. Be the fucker, not the fuckee.